Wednesday, September 17, 2014


I'm sharing this because my heart knows the time is NOW to share.  I've come across so many others that feel alone today and I want others to know, you are NEVER here I share with you...

We've all felt it, we've all been there.  We have all experienced or know of someone going thru it.  Then why is it THE WORST KEPT SECRET... DEPRESSION.  An emotion or disease as some regard to it as,  so serious and underestimated, and in some cases causing a life to end,  yet no one wants to discuss or talk about it, even if talking meant saving a life. 

After having four beautiful babies, very close together, my emotions became uncontrollable and my body was slowing down and a hormonal UNBalance took over.  I was not getting any younger and the cloudiness from hormones and the many changes my body was going thru was not becoming any clearer or healthier. 

I look back at my writing journal and cannot believe the darkness I was in.  It was all clear to me after my friend had recently shared with me his own thoughts written down of a day while in his darkest time, I looked at him and said, "I have written these same exact words at one time."  He looked at me completely astound that I was ever even in a depressed state.  He's known me for over fourteen years, and never knew because I hid it well and I never shared.  It was not for me to bring others down with me, it was my "job"  to stay happy, positive and bring others up whenever possible, so it seemed.  to others.     Because that. is. who. I. was...

"Someone in town was hit by a train, they believe it was suicide!"  I overheard these words said by someone one day.  My first thought, my very first thought was , "wow, that would be so much easier than sitting in a closed garage and turning the car ignition on."  Without even hesitating, my mind started thinking that that was such a better choice, the family wouldn't find me till later, they wouldn't be reminded of it every time they went to the garage, this would be a better way ending my darkness and doing it away from the house that my family and I live in. 

WHAT?!!!!  What in the world and why in the world would I DARE put that in my head?!!! Because I wasn't right , my emotions were not balanced and I felt no purpose in my life, disregarding all others including my children being left without a mom.  But that was it, all I knew at that time was that everyone would be so much better off without me.  I was in a dark hole and I couldn't get deep enough in it. 

My mind was racing a hundred miles a minute of ideas, things I had to do, things I didn't get done, things I said and regretted, things I should've said, things I let go of... ALL THINGS...  I would shut down not knowing whether I was coming or going and especially not having any direction of where to even start.